I’m a Miami Hurricanes fan, so yeah this might be biased, but I feel like I could totally beat the Seminoles mascot in a fight. I remember watching U Miami vs FSU in recent years and thinking, “man, f*ck this guy throwing the spear in the middle of the field, I should totally fight him”. Now I am not a good fighter, never have been, and probably never will be. I think my odds are pretty even mano a mano against Chief Osceola of FSU as long as he doesn’t have a spear or horse, and it got me thinking what other mascots I could beat in a fight. Here are my stats in fights just to give you an idea of what I can do, I am 5’11”, 160 lbs. , I can kind of touch my toes, and I’m 2-1 so far in fights. My stats aren’t very good, so this makes my case even better. Here are all the ACC mascots ranked in order of how likely they are to whoop my ass in a fight.

#15. Syracuse: Otto the Orange

              This one didn’t take much thought, I could totally whoop an orange’s ass. An orange is probably the least intimidating fruit right after a Kiwi, so easy win right here. To make matters worse, it’s name is Otto, which is as scary a name as Jerry or Leonard. Not only would I totally f*ck up this citrus based mascot, but I’d get a nice cup of OJ as a reward, so Otto the Orange is the undisputed last spot for mascot that is least likely to whoop my ass.

#14. Georgia Tech: Buzz the Yellowjacket

              A yellowjacket is a wasp which stings and that sucks, but the fact that I can whoop this mascot’s ass with a magazine is a bad sign. Buzz wouldn’t stand a chance, it’s only attack is a sting and on a one v one fight no way he would beat me. If it’s windy he would already have a hard time attacking me, so another easy win for the books.

#13. Virginia Tech: HokieBird

              I literally eat you every year during Thanksgiving. The HokieBird is pretty much a bootleg turkey, it shouldn’t be very hard to beat. At best it scratches me or something, ooooh I’m so scared, not. Honestly, who the f*ck is picking these mascots, and what could possibly be intimidating about America’s favorite edible bird.

#12. Louisville: Louis the Cardinal

              I did some research and a cardinal is basically the most simp bird out there, it only gets laid if it sings, and on top of that it feeds the female to impress her in a shot to get some bird punani. I could totally beat this winged simp’s ass, it weighs fully grown 1.5 oz, and I’m 160 lbs., this bitch bird doesn’t stand a chance against me.

#11. Miami: Sebastian the Ibis

              F*ck I’m a Canes fan, I love you Sebastian, and it pains me to say this, but I can totally whoop an Ibis in a fight. The only reason they’re ranked above fellow bird Louis the Cardinal, is because an Ibis is actually badass. An Ibis is the last bird to leave when there’s a hurricane approaching and the first to return after the hurricane. This is deadass the Florida man of birds, but I’m sorry, it’s another easy win for me.

#10. Wake Forrest: Demon Deacon

              An old guy in a suit and top hat? Are you f*cking kidding me? It’s basically fighting a senior citizen, no shit I could win this one. Now the mascot rides in on a motorcycle and that seems kind of unfair, so if it’s a mano a mano fight no weapons or vehicles involved, I’d send this old bastard to the ground asking for life alert in tops 6 minutes.

#9. Boston College: Baldwin the Eagle

              He might have a sus name, but an eagle might be a bit of a challenge. Eagles have scary ass talons, I saw it in a video of them catching a trout on Nat Geo, but realistically I could probably win. I don’t think an eagle could go pound for pound against me, since I am 146 lbs. heavier than the average eagle. Definitely a win for me, but the competition is starting to get a bit harder at this point.

#8. Virginia: CavMan

              A cavalier is a rich guy who supported King Charles I in the English Civil War, but you don’t care and nor do I. The mascot has a sword which he’d for sure cut me up with, but without a sword, a rich old British dude in tights and a feathered hat is someone who I could most likely beat in a fight. I’m pretty sure back then, guys were better fighters than today, but given that he’s dressed like a dumbass in puffy clothes and pointy shoes, and is probably like 60 years old, the CavMan is just a slightly more agile Wake Forrest mascot, who I just f*cked up two spots back. I’m not saying it would be an easy win, but after watching McGregor beat Cowboy Cerrone I think I know how to beat up an old guy.

#7. Duke: Blue Devil

              Leave it to Duke to make a scary mascot look as intimidating as a Starbuck’s barista. I have no idea what a devil can do, but the fact that it is blue which is the least scariest color to make a devil, and it has a goatee means that I could probably beat this mascot in a fight. In general I’d say nearly all devils could beat me in a fight, but this one just looks like he’s richer than you and would call a lawyer before laying a finger on you. The mascot name also comes from a French military battalion that never won a war, so good job Dook.

#6. UNC: Ramses the Ram/Tarheel

              A Ram is just a horny goat: get it? Ok sorry, but I could maybe win against a ram in a close fight. A ram’s power is in its curly ass horns, but apart from that its just another mascot I could win against. The fact that UNC glorifies having dirty feet is another questionable topic, but maybe that would be another advantage for me to win against an animal that without horns is just a sheep with anger issues. Rams are strong animals, so it would be the first very difficult fight on this list, but I don’t see an animal that slams its head for fun beating me, since I’m slightly smarter than it.

#5.FSU: Seminole Chief Osceola

              You might be surprised that the chief is so high up on this list since the article opened up with me talking shit about him. Well, with or without a spear and horse Seminoles were pretty badass, and I am not too sure I would win in a fight against a Seminole. The chief is the first mascot that would most likely beat me on the list, my only hope is that tribal chiefs are old dudes so it could give me an advantage, but they also lead their troops to war, so I am not too sure about this one.

#4. North Carolina State: Mr. Wulf

              Before I explain this one, does anyone in North Carolina really thing wolf is spelled wulf? If so, I might have a fighting chance against a wolf that stupid, but bro it’s still a wolf. I’m screwed here Mr. Wulf would maul me, I just don’t see how I’d beat a damn wolf. Three pigs did it with impressive architectural skills, but as a journalism student, that’s just out of the question.

#3. Notre Dame: Fighting Irish Leprechaun

              According to Irish stories, leprechauns were 3 ft tall, so I have a 2 ft and 11-inch height advantage, but apart from that no way I’m beating the Notre Dame mascot. Listen to the name fighting Irish, the name itself tells me my odds are shit. I can barely fight, and a leprechaun known for fighting and trickery would f*ck me up hands down. I don’t even stand a chance against the Lucky Charms mascot, let alone one that always looks pissed off and lives in Indiana.

#2. Pittsburgh: Roc the Panther

              It’s a panther, enough said.

#1. Clemson: Tiger

              If I couldn’t handle a panther how am I supposed to put up a fight against a tiger. Tigers are scary as shit, you saw what they did to Carole Baskins husband, and he lived his whole life around these striped cats. No way I’m beating a tiger, not even if I have a weapon, but to anyone who thought I had a chance thank you.