James,

I was asked to write a letter giving you some advice for college.  I gave you one that is pretty good advice, but here’s the real shit.

Most importantly, get a good fake ID.  College is fun, but mostly because you are drunk.  Don’t do drugs, not because its bad for you, but because they are expensive as fuck.  You can get hammered off of a $5.99 12 pack of Busch Light, or spend like $40-$50 on some coke that will have you high for as long as you would be drunk.  That’s just simple math (see this letter has some education in it).  Also, learn to drink cheap beer, no one really likes craft beer and any college kid that turns up his nose to PBR, Bud Light, Coors Light, or any other domestic light beer is a douche.  Without a good fake ID you cant get into any of the good bars, it doesn’t even have to look like you, just memorize every single item on it.  If its out of state learn what towns its near and the area code too.

There are going to be about 20,000 girls around (guys too if you are into that, I kinda think you might be) you should try to bang all of them.  Not because it’s a good idea to sleep with 20,000 girls, but because you are going to get shot down a lot.  If you try to bang them all you might get a little something something here and there.  Also, don’t be too picky, fat girls try harder.  Every single guy I know has a story about hooking up with a fatty, it happens.  Don’t pass up on a beej just bc she’s a little hefty.  But try to avoid the big girls with little tits, that’s just weird.  One of the best parts about hooking up with a chubby chick is them big ole titties.

You should go to class, not for learning and shit, but you should probably do that too.  Class is a great place to meet chicks, way easier to go up to a girl if you can be like, “Hey aren’t you in my Econ class?”  It also works if you aren’t in her class and you know it.  Its just some shit to say to start the conversation.  You should also avoid introducing yourself to a girl you already hooked up with.  That shit gets awkward as fuck real fast.

Also on the subject of going to class, make sure in the first few days as you are learning oyur way around campus, look for good clean secluded bathrooms.  The amount of times you are going to be across campus and need to shit may not be a ton, but it only has to happen once and if you don’t have an option you are going to wind up turtle walking with a load of shit in your pants.  Not a good look.

Also, save some money and get the free condoms at the health department.  They aren’t name brand, but who gives a shit.  They also do std checks up in for free.  Make sure when you get an std check you tell them not to bill your insurance or your parents are going to see that on their statement.  Very hard to explain to your mom and dan why you needed to get checked for the clap.  On a related note, if all the sudden you want up and your shit itches like a motherfucker, its probably crabs, just shave your pubes and they will go away.

Overall just be ready to have some fun, don’t sit around like a little bitch waiting for the fun to come to you, make it happen cap’n.  If you take my advice I can promise you college will be the best 7 or 8 years of your life.

Sincerely,

Uncle Michael