Boys, it’s rough out here in the age of COVID. Without parties, bools, kickbacks, and darties to help churn the wheels of socialization, most folks have found themselves stranded in the burning sands of what feels like an endless sex drought. Well, dear reader, the joke is firmly on you. I, Jethro McGee the fifth, have found myself a sugar mama. Is she almost certainly a middle aged punjabi man attempting to steal my identity? No, you fucking racist, because scamming is not race exclusive and he could be a greasey middle aged man (or woman) of any ethnicity or nationality. Go home, reflect, and do better. 

In all seriousness, I was sitting on my couch trying to online learn my way through Farewell To Arms when I saw someone had commented on my instagram (dumb_assmcgee for the three of you that like my articles) and asked me to DM them. Never one to turn away a fan, I complied with their demands and this was what I found.

Given my nickname is Dumbass, you might be inclined to believe that I’m not the sharpest bowling ball in the shed, but I’m smart enough to notice an obvious scam when I see one. In addition, the reason I got this job is I know how to spot a great article idea when I see one. So I figured I’d see how far I can take this. College students are bored, horny, and poor. Exploiting that feels so scummy to me that I figured whatever sicko was trying to fuck me or rob me or both deserved to take the full brunt of my innate ability to ask pointless questions for the sake of furthering a meme. Take that, international crime syndicate trying to industrialize fraud from the safety of operating from countries with a poor police presence.

Honestly, that’s the dumbest part of this entire schtick. What absurdly rich MILF randomly trolling for instagram dick is going to pay 26,000 dollars a year just to text? If you’re going to try and make a realistic scam, at least have her ask me to stick a coke bottle up my ass and then blackmail me with the footage. If this bitch was real and so socially incompetent she has to pay younger men just to text her, I’d probably be so miserable earning that five hundred dollars the work wouldn’t be worth the reward.

This is where the chips go down. First off, I’m pretty sure Venmo works on whatever offshore oil rig you’re pretending to be on. Second, you can just mail me the checks you don’t need my financial information and my phone number to pay me. Third, your alleged snapchat is in your bio so why wouldn’t we talk there instead of over text? Fourth, if you’re paying me from a business checking account that sounds like you’re embezzling company funds to feed your platonic young-enough-to-be-my-son friendship addiction. Lastly, this quarantine has been so goddamn boring that at this point I’d rather just get nudes. Fuck the money; send the nudes, goddamit!