What the fuck is up to my parents, few brothers that read, and of course, all the boys. BIG week this week… I will be partnering with jakespicks.com, as we endeavor into giving YOU the picks you need. Don’t think, don’t preemptively ask your mom to Venmo you for Monday, don’t tell your girl you guys can only go to chipotle this week, because we’re beating the bookie from here on out. After this week you and your girl are getting double meat AND guac on those bowls. Now let me briefly introduce the owner of jakespicks.com. Now, close your eyes and think of the most disgusting, degenerate, annoying fucking gambler you’ve ever met. Now factor in that Syracuse is approximately 45 minutes from the legendary Turning Stone Casino. WHERE YOU ONLY HAVE TO BE 18 TO PLAY BLACKJACK AND SPORTS BET (God bless the Native American land it stands on). As a brief introduction, Jake went on his senior trip to the Bahamas like most of us may have asked our parents to do. There’s always the one homie that goes up a rack in the casino, and everyone’s gathered around him like he’s fucking Rain Man, and he spends it all on baby laxatives, baking powder, and 25$ vodka Red Bulls. Well… Jake went up 50k on his senior trip and copped a Bendz so he wouldn’t gamble it away when he got home. I know… What a doucher. TO THE PICKS!

9/22: Tuesday

Reds v Brewers → 1H Reds -1/2 (S. Gray)

So here is the deal. Any baseball picks you ever see on my page will always be “Jake picks.” The self-proclaimed “Baseball guru” is the classic friend that gets hot in a sport that is not your forte and you nod and click. DO NOT DO ANYTHING ELSE. OH “Sony Gray needs a win for the playoff push? The Reds bats are red hot? Wait, AND the Reds hit also happen to hit lefties exceptionally well?” Too bad none of it matters, don’t be a research guy. *nod, click 1H Reds -1/2* Watch your account fill, and text your bookie to kick rocks on a Tuesday. Brett Anderson is average at best and the Brewers blow. LOCK IT IN.

Lakers v Nuggets → Denver +6.5

The spread as of right now is Lakers -6.5, which I don’t quite like. Jamaal Murray did not drop fucking 50 for 3 games against the playoff P and the claw to get swept by Bron. Now, I’m not saying that Denver has a chance in hell at this series. Jokic was dominant at times. I think Michael Porter has been huge for them, and I think Jamaal is a top 5 pure scorer left in the playoffs. For those reasons I do believe that Denver will AT LEAST cover for 2 more games in this series. I actually believe that they could steal one but I’ll stay away from the money line tonight. It’s gonna be a close one. Take the points.

9/23: Wednesday

Lightning v Stars → Dallas +140/+1.5

I know the majority of the sports gambling population is like “fucking hockey,” but I’m an NHL guy, and I’m gonna let my heart pick this one and not look back because in the Stanley Cup Playoffs that’s what the fuck you do. The Lightning eliminated my Islanders last round, dismembering my +4000 Stanley Cup champ bet, so yeah… devastated. But if you know anything about playoff hockey, you know its all about the hot goalie and Dobby is fucking hot. I love the physicality of this stars team and once they get a little production out of Benn, Seguin and Radulov I think this series could be over in 6. Fuck Tampa, I like Dallas as the underdog ML and puckline.

I know a lot of people are probably looking for a take on game 4, Celts v Heat, but honestly I’m not touching this one. If I was forced to choose I would definitely take the 3 points that are somehow being given to the Heat after a few convincing wins in games 1 and 2. I guess Vegas just fell in love with the fucking classic Boston team late in the yoffs. Honestly I’m not betting on this because it doesn’t fucking matter being that either of these teams is going to get double penatrated by Lebron and AD.

9/24: Thursday

Dolphins v Jaguars →  Over: 48

Somebody tell me. I would really like to know. Who the fuck looked at the schedule and decided: “Hey we should put this Dolphins Jaguars game on Thursday night prime time instead of at 1:00 where it belongs.” Absolute shootout about to go down between Fitzmagic and Minshew, so you know what time it is. Bet the over on a game that nobody cares about because you know what IS fun to root for? Points. And Gardner is going to be slinging it like Ron Jeremy with that wonderful porn stash. I even picked him up in place of Drew Brees this week for my fantasy team because the Miami secondary have looked visually fucking impared in their first two weeks. BET THE OVER.

NUGGETS V LAKERS NO LINE OUT

STARS V LIGHTNING NO LINE OUT

9/26: Saturday

FSU v Miami → Miami -11

THIS IS THE LOCK OF THE WEEK. MIAMI IS ONLY GETTING 11 POINTS WHICH IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS BECAUSE FSU IS ALMOST AS BAD AS ‘CUSE THIS YEAR. DID YOU FUCKING WATCH THE MIAMI LOUISVILLE GAME JESUS CHRIST. HAMMER MIAMI WHILE YOU CAN. THEY’RE GOING TO SLAUGHTER THE NOLES. FSU ONLY CARES ABOUT BASKETBALL AND KETAMINE, THEIR BARS ARE CLOSED DOWN, THEIR HOPE IS GONE. FSU HAS NOTHING TO LIVE FOR. HAMMER MIAMI.

SUNDAY PICKEM’ BLOG

9/27: NFL Picks for Sunday and Monday will be posted in another blog by Sunday.