A Not So Relaible Guide to Flirting on Zoom University
Zoom has become the new norm for colleges, and being realistic you don’t learn shit compared to in-person lectures. You can learn more from an 8:00 am Friday lecture that you show up to semi-drunk, right after a Thursday night at the bar enjoying enough $2 diesel-like rum and Cokes to kill a Silverback Gorilla, than taking a Zoom lecture. For those that went to lectures to watch March Madness highlights and hit on the girls who forgot to take off their make up from the night before, they are the ones suffering the most in these virtual learning times. They went to class to try and get girl’s Snapchats, only for the ladies to send back really flirty texts like, “Hey what chapters did the professor say to review”, and “Dude I only asked you for a pen stop with the dick pics”. Well to those gentlemen trying to figure out how to flirt on the academic learning platform that is named after what sound a four-year-old might say a plane makes; Zooooom, well let me be of help. There a couple of ways to catch the female eye’s attention with online classes, and here’s how based on your flirting skill level.
Level 1 Novice:
(Nerds, avocado eaters, Golden State fans, white Van wearers, dorm RA’s, anyone who drives a Kia)
In the chat section, wait for the girl that looks like a sexy librarian to type a question, and as soon as she does, it’s go time. You need to say, “I was just about to ask the same thing”, and this way she starts thinking, “this guy with the red eyes is smarter than he looks”. To which you ask in the class chat for her phone number since, “you didn’t understand the professor’s response”, that’ll spark conversation and later you can ask if perhaps you can meet up at a coffee shop to study. She’ll say yes because you have the confidence of a rookie Derick Rose, and just like that you have yourself a first date.
Level 2 Experienced:
(Cross fit guys, Busch drinkers, Florida residents, frat stars, Dua Lipa listeners, Marketing majors)
First, change your screen name to your Instagram username, then whenever the girl of interest answers a question use one of the reaction features to send a good job emoji her way. This will probably go unnoticed the first couple times, but soon enough she’ll see it and check to see who is sending her these emojis. She’ll see it is you, and since she’ll already be on Instagram looking at Fashion Nova posts or checking to see if her ex-boyfriend has been tagged in anything new since they broke up 25 months ago, she’ll go ahead and check out your Instagram. Once she sees your posts with your cousin’s dog pretending it is yours, she’ll think, “this guy is cute”. Now at this point you ask for people to make a class group chat on WhatsApp that has the same picture as your profile, there texting her is simple you just send her a “hey” with the same good job emoji, and you’ll be getting laid faster than Mathew McConaughey wearing a cowboy hat.
Level 3 Masters Degree in getting Punani:
(Bass Pro shop managers, verified Instagramers, The Office viewers, Chads, Guy Fieri, all Australians)
For this one make sure you’re unmuted and put a picture of you shirtless with photoshopped abs as your virtual background. After putting it, let out a “Fuck how do I change this picture of me ”, to which your professor will for sure say, ”please watch your language”, and say, “ sorry I have this sick mirror shot after my daily 300 sit-ups, but I can’t figure out how to change it”. The girl will for sure see this, and on the chat, you write an apology for the background and say, “sorry I’m sure none of you wanted to see that, but if you did here’s my Snapchat”. She’ll add you in less time than it takes Trump to piss off someone with blue hair, and just like that, the bag has been secured.