Man, what a weird phenomenon Finstagrams have been since high school. Literally a created account in which girls allow 1/16th of their real followers to follow where they can be themselves, on an app originally designed to be a safe tool where photographs could be shared among friends and acquaintances. I think of finstas like I think of the chest in Nazi zombies: I have no idea what I am getting when you let me follow you, but it should be pretty good. Whether it be its___britnay__bitch, suck_my_haas, or any other number of names white girls thought were “hysterical” I prefer content from a finsta rather than the aggressively facetuned shit I see when I usually scroll Instagram. And that’s no knock on girls, if there wasn’t a stigma in place that it’s really odd that a guy would use anything more than a filter he slapped on two 4 Lokos deep, we could all look pretty on Instagram. I mean c’mon fellas we’ve all come across a James Charles picture where you’re like “I would ? No, no, never mind…well maybe…no.” Speaking of which, here is an all time group chat photo of my one buddy who tried to edit abs at approximately age 15.

So without further ado, what her Finsta says about her.

Someone Please Tell Me Everything Is Okay

Common in Nursing majors, high school girls that got above 29 on their ACT,  or others that feel the need to plagued your feed with 3,000 character essays about how stressful their life is. The worst kind of Finsta by a country mile. Why this type of human decides constantly that they should type out a Moby Dick length essay about how they went to tutor and still don’t know anything for their statistics exam, rather than just…I don’t know… study? Is beyond me. Worst part of all of it, this girl 9 times out of 10 will get an “A” or find success in whatever the issue is. Nobody wants to see pictures of you crying, not because it makes us sad, but because we DO NOT give a shit and not a single one of those 186 followers even reads 1/4 of your existential crisis.

I’m A Huge Bitch

Regardless if I disagree with her morals, as the girls in my women’s literature class would say (the strongest females I know) only here for the “tea.” Whether it be screenshots of somebody in her DMs, talking about her ex’s dick being small, or slutty photos which she knows are going immediately in GroupMes far and wide, this girl is the HBO of Finstagram. I personally know a girl from my high school who had over 3 Finstas, each one a smaller and smaller friend group like one of those Russian nesting dolls. In each one talking more and more shit, and while she wasn’t very well received, I would give her top dog of the Finstagram game in high school. Whether it’d be her playing the roll of “Tits McGee” or Regina George it was a must follow. 

Here are are videos of us fucked up

Surprise, surprise Hannah peed in the bushes…again. While the girl recording’s laugh will make me more agitated than a middle aged white women at  Shakira’s halftime show(that’s right you idiot, Shakira owned that and I have a conspiracy theory that the DNC paid her to shake her ass so Trump wouldn’t get re-elected), I will chuckle every now and again at this girl chugging ranch as 3:02 AM or her Chlamydia results coming in negative. This girl is fun, her Finsta is funny, probably some bubbly cute girl who will delete all of this footage upon registering for Linkedin.

I like smoking weed, memes, and cute animals

This one is just so my girlfriend knows I’m not forgetting about her.

I’m a Libra

Look I don’t like to slut shame, but you aren’t a Libra, a Virgo, or whatever the fuck. You’re just kind of a slutty girl who likes getting choked. NOTHING wrong with that…except when you start talking illustrating your sex life in words so accurate that I could safely identify the veins upon this anonymous boy your talking about’s penis. If she lets you follow, you’re kind of just there so she can keep a body count tally.