If I see another group of freshmen without masks, moving down the open street like a pack of fleas, contaminating my beautiful college campus with their covid and sins, I’m just gonna start throwing rocks at them. Seriously, I will grab small boulders off the street and, unlike Thor, I will aim for the head. The bigger, the better. Now of course, the irony is Thor got a second swing and did chop Thanos’s head clean off his body… but at that point, it was too late. Hopefully, I won’t be. You know what, I think by hitting those kids in the head with a rock, I will potentially save other college kids from being the next victim of possible serial killing. What could I possibly mean? Keep reading to find out.

Okay, I’m being overly dramatic. I’ve got a lot of energy cooped up, both positive and negative, but with minimal outlets of releasing such energy. This is because I now have the coronavirus. Don’t worry, I am doing just fine. Physically, I think the worst is mostly behind me. Matter of fact, the most fierce pain I felt was probably from the covid test itself; that nasal swab went so deep into my head, it saw what I wore to Junior Prom. That black skinny tie was a bold move, but not as bold as whipping out the windshield wiper on the dance floor. Mentally, I’m doing the best I can. I do have one symptom that is still greatly bothering me and could have has serious societal consequences, but I’ll get to that later. That ties to my worry of what could motivate a possible serial killer.

 Thankfully, I am in isolation with people who also tested positive, so I’m not left alone to claw at the walls and count the dots on my ceiling anymore. I have people I can interact with which is great, however I’m still stuck inside, watching the world go on without me. But I’m close to gauging my eyes out from all the people watching I’ve been doing. Why? Because some people are fucking stupid.

I made a comment earlier targeting the freshmen at my college. This was wrong of me, as there are people of every age group that are to blame. If you still think that this virus is a hoax created by liberals, kindly go find a nice sturdy rock and kick it as hard as you can. Go eat some glass. Go crack open an ice cold bottle of bleach and chug it. Or better yet, go jump in a Waste Management dumpster truck the next time one of them rolls through your neighborhood and join the other trash that you are. I mean that dogshit hoax mentality is nothing more than giving the middle finger to health care workers around the globe that are working tirelessly to save the millions of people that are vulnerable to dying from the coronavirus. The virus and its consequences are very real. Even here in the United States, we’ve had more than 190,000 deaths.

But not everyone sees this as a problem. Hell, not everyone can read and understand numbers. That notion holds true here in the midwest. I once saw a guy at a bar get rejected by nine girls in a twenty minute span. He would go on to flirt with four more, only to get four more rejections and then walk back to his dorm alone to rub one off to anime from 2008. See, sometimes numbers truly mean nothing to people.

But people are also not taking the coronavirus seriously because they consider themselves a part of the “healthy batch” that the virus has limited effect on. And they are probably right. I’m convinced most people that had or that have the virus said that it wasn’t a big deal. Some people also straight up can’t get the virus for some reason. Well here’s what I have for you: you won’t know until you get it and I recommend not getting it, so consider yourself lucky while you don’t have it and wear a mask so you don’t give it to others. Why? I can’t fucking taste.

Why do you eat food? Because you are hungry? Bullshit. If you were starving in the Mojave Desert, and by some god miracle, you came across a little package of 6-day-old Sushi from a gas station, you’d think it was from a five-star restaurant in Tokyo. Hell, after you devour it, you’d ask to compliment the chef. 

But you aren’t starving in the desert. You’re sitting on the couch thinking about what you should eat for dinner. For the great majority of your life, you have eaten food because it tastes good. You eat food because of the neurological and slightly erotic explosion of flavor that occurs in your mouth when you sink your teeth into a Five Guy’s hamburger right around dinner time. Still don’t believe me? Alright, Prick, let me ask you something. Why does America have an obesity problem? Why is Ronald McDonald a bigger household name than American hero Chesley Sullenberger? 

 Well, while you were looking up who Captain Sully was and what he did, I was in the kitchen pounding some salt with a mallet. America has an obesity problem because we love eating food that tastes good, and we are so loyal to pleasing our taste buds that we ignore health guidelines, basic nutrition facts, and simple portion sizes simply because we want to shove our face with yummy food, all the time.

And now I can’t taste. This is a real coronavirus symptom that some people will exhibit. Godspeed, if you do. Only then will you truly know pain. I figured there’s zero point to eating anything unhealthy. When I’m hungry now, I eat spinach out of a bag. I bit into an avocado like an apple this morning, skin and all. The meals I make now… they make no fucking sense. Have you ever eaten a dry turkey and kale sandwich with a side of asparagus? That was lunch. Can’t wait for dinner, I might just go out in the backyard and eat some grass.

Eating has no purpose anymore, other than simply being fuel. I am now eating to survive, not to enjoy food. And that is agonizing. Here is why this can be problematic: Someone a lot more twisted than me is going to get the coronavirus. If someone with psychopathic tendencies gets the covid and they can’t taste… they are gonna go on a fucking killing spree. Shit, taking away someone’s expected pleasure that they would usually get from three tasty meals a day… there’s gonna be some pleasure withdrawals. 

 So here’s my point: if the wrong person gets the covid, they will do something vile. Not being able to taste is a punishment far worse than you could ever imagine. If you want to be an arrogant prick and not wear a mask because you don’t think the coronavirus is a big deal or you could care less about someone you don’t know who dies from it because they are immunocompromised, have a great afternoon and go fuck yourself. I can’t help the fact that you are just a dick. But if you’re trying to not be murdered and then to not have your body parts buried separately in some dog park at 2AM, wear a fucking mask. Wear a fucking mask so that a future Ted Bundy doesn’t get the coronavirus, lose his taste buds, lose his fucking mind, and then decides he wants to go kill a bunch of college kids.