The Beta Male: a classic and necessary annoyance at every gym. These guys don’t just suck, they are downright blissfully unaware of their own weak, soft, and idiotic behavior that will repel girls as quickly as Axe body spray.   

1. The dude wearing gloves – This dude is basically saying “I have no muscles and just paid 20 bucks for these gloves so people will think I’m actually trying.” This is the same guy that will be wearing some out of date Nike dad shoes and a yellow armpit stained t-shirt. He’ll smile too hard when asked by someone to work in on a set and say “All yours buddy” before he apologetically gives up his machine to some other beta. He’ll put extra sanitizer on the rag when he attempts to wipe down his forfeited machine before being cut off by the other guy saying, “It’s cool man, I’ll wipe it down, I got it lol”. This dude can only bench 4 reps of 10 lb plates and will even put bench clips on either end of the barbell smh. In reality, he is only lifting weight equivalent to popsicle sticks and soda cans. If this dude had 1 dollar for each lb of weight he could lift he would still have his 20 bucks he wasted on those gloves.

2. Blender bottle dude – The only thrill this guy has had in the last five years of living in his grandma’s basement is hitting up GNC for the very first time after he saw an ad on his computer for ON Whey. This is the dude that will leave a Yelp Review saying something along the lines of, “Cashier was nice. He even helped me to a blender bottle on discount. Will definitely be back.” The only real use of his blender bottle is to shake it to cover up his nervous body tremors when he walks by really hot and intimidating girls at the gym. The same guy will be constantly looking down at his phone and pissing off everyone who is waiting to use his machine. He’ll stare off into the distance to procrastinate his workout and think about…Idk…all the muscle he doesn’t have?? Go home, pal, you forgot to wash the dishes for your grandma.

3. The dude who walks too fast – Probably the most annoying dude that will make a point to sit on every piece of equipment for no more than 2 minutes while he rapidly jerks the bicep curl machine set on the lowest resistance. You’ll find him on cardio equipment going HAM. Seriously. This guy will rage for a solid 10 minutes making a complete fool out of himself when he’s not even in shape to begin with. It’s like he’s trying to make up for 6 months of not being at the gym all in one ASS of a workout. This dude will also stare at you with his arms crossed while he waits to use your machine and further perpetuates his annoying presence. Afterwards, you’ll catch him at the smoothie booth at the front entrance trying to chat up some soccer mom while he tells her his life story who can’t wait for him to shut the hell up. Take a hint, boomer. Please leave already. 

4. The dude on his phone/Bluetooth – Alright, so we all know the one dude that always seems to be hosting a corporate conference call in the middle of his workout. You might even catch this dude wearing sunglasses inside to overcompensate for his complete lack of social skills. He’ll scream out loud, “I just touched base with my client last week and the deal is set for tomorrow.” He’ll make exaggerated hand gestures to emphasize all of his bullshit conversation points like he just brought Wall Street to the gym. You won’t dare catch this guy using any equipment cause his pacing walk around the entire gym while on the phone IS his workout. He might accidentally get in your way down the main aisle walking to the bathroom and you say “Excuse me.” He’ll overreact and say, “Sorry Randy let me put you on hold…Hey I’m on my Bluetooth, you mind?” Chill tf out bro, literally no one cares and you are soooo annoying.

5. The dude wearing normal clothes – Every so often there’s some idiot that rolls up to the gym wearing a flannel and jeans or even worse…his work suit and tie. Although a rarity, every gym has one of these weirdos. You’ll most likely spot this dude sitting on a lat pull down machine sweating profusely while looking at his phone and barely pulling any weight. Every day is cheat day for this guy. He’ll stare and shoot off creepy glances to everyone around him doing more work at the gym than he is. You’ll also see him litter a McDonald’s bag out of his car window on his way home from the gym so the wife doesn’t find out he been eatin!