I’ve been to my fair share of proms in my prime, it’s really no big deal I went as a Sophomore. I could tell you how I looked fresher than a bud of Lilacs, basqueing in the May Sun in my tux, or how that picture of me and my boys is embedded so deeply on my refrigerator it would take actual construction equipment to rip off. But, through going to all my proms, I’d rather share my observations of others. So, without further ado, the girls of prom.

(Rookie of The Year):

The upperclassmen girls are aggressively disgruntled that a freshman has invaded their “squad” photos because one of their date’s friends’ couldn’t find a gal his own age. She is 15, she is cute, and the subject of controversy. Nevermind the fact that it is technically statutory rape that he will get head from her before her Dad picks her up from after-prom, but she is following him around like he is a mother duck. This girl is always the bombshell of her grade, as it takes being a fucking smokeshow to go to prom as a freshman in high school, and just like a cheezit, the senior boys will keep their eye on the clock for her to mature towards her 18th birthday before they shoot her a DM during Thanksgiving break of college. “Hey I was just looking through old Prom Pics…haha what colleges are you looking at? Add me on Snapchat tho”

(Orange Girl):

Nope, its not Donald Trump’s ugly daughter, it’s the girl that is trying wayyyy too hard to get that almighty four hundredth Instagram like. My favorite prom experience, besides slapping my date’s ass then telling her she was the best sister ever in front of my dean senior year, was one year my ex-girlfriend was this girl. EVERY FUCKING YEAR MAN there is some girl, who nobody said looks bad pale, and she feels the need to look like a god damn orangutan. The whole place will be glancing at her, then look away in an attempt to be polite, like looking at a horrific car accident. My favorite part about this girl, is that she will go Brett Farve deep in editing apps, just to make herself look normal for her prom pictures.

(The Coordinator):

This chick isn’t here for the pictures, the music, or her date. She has spent months orchestrating what she hopes to be the best weekend of her life. She convinced her weirdly-enthuisiastic-about-the-idea older brother in his mid-twenties to sign off on a house that will end up being a collection of roaches, bud-light cans, and condoms stained with period blood. She’s nervous and excited, only taking prom pictures with the aspiration of creating an Instagram post of a series of photos where she’s fucked up, but the first one being the picture of her in her prom dress. The caption? Something stupid along the lines of, “we clean up nice” or a quote from Jersey shore.

(Floral Dress and Sneakers):

What do you want me to say here? Sure, I could tell you that in all likelihood that she is overweight and is wearing converse to support those exhausted kankles. But, it’s important to note that it’s genuinely nice to see this girl enjoying herself. She probably hated high school more than anyone, so kudose to her for coming out and aggressively dancing to Taylor Swift with her date who logged 200+ hours on the year playing League of Legends. We all rooted for him to see his first non-internet boobs that night, which were probably gigantic.

(Meryl Streep in Sophie’s Choice):

Her and her boyfriend broke up somewhat recently, and she is distraught about it. So much so that as soon as you saw her, you knew she would make a scene. The agony she felt seeing his new prom date post that photo of him asking her after her lacrosse game made her feel more unloved than an abandoned South American child. The girls bathroom will need a lifeguard occupying the 12 by 14 feet pool of her tears. If they play Ed Sheeran she might fuck around and shoot up the whole school.

(My Boyfriend is Tall and From A Different School): Here she is. She has had this boyfriend for years and never comes to any school events. She’s brutally boring and does all the work in your school project in Chem. He’s just tall. Yes, he plays basketball. No, he’s not playing in college. Picture Spongebob taking Pearl to the dance.

(Pretty Woman):

This is the only girl that every guy will be thinking about. She never once tried to look her best in high school. Came to school high and never did her makeup, but that one prom night, she’s the hottest girl there. People will be kicking theirselves for not noticing how pretty she was before. Fuck.