One of the things I made a habit to do over the years is find one thing in every category and learn a shit ton about it. I don’t watch football, but I can talk for ages about the Chiefs because I grew up in KC-MO for a few years as a kid. I don’t fuck with hockey but I can get down with some Capitols or Brewins if I need to scrape by in a social situation. As a closet book nerd, I figured I’d do our readership the solid of saving them the trouble of actually using their fucking brains and other geed shit like that by providing you guys with a list of books that make you look smart and deep, and then just give you the talking points. Without further ado, here’s the list. 

1. Ohio – Stephen Markley

This book is legitimately one of the most beautiful pieces of reflective American literature since Fear And Loathing by Hunter S. Thompson. Set in small town Ohio, the story spans a decade of post 9/11 America, and is a haunting retroactive look at everything from the opioid crisis to the great recession to the human cost of the Iraq war. If you like books, this is definitely a read you don’t want to miss. But, for those of you that just want the elevator pitch so you can talk to “bruh” girls without making a fool of yourself, here you are. 

A bunch of people from this tiny ass town in Ohio return to it a decade after the death of one of the folks in their friend group, there are some beautiful descriptions of drug use, Iraq big sad and George Bush do war crime >:| bad George Bush, go to the time out corner. Ohio is sad, people are sad, and we’re all living in, like, a machine man. Stick to those general themes and you’re all set. 

2. Marcus Aurelius – Meditations 

Are you flirting with a girl that is super into politics and don’t want to make the rookie mistake of bringing up who you voted for in 2016/2020? Are you the one liberal in your chapter talking to a girl who makes Mike Pence look like a pinko? Then worry not! Meditations is a perfectly non-controversial way to make yourself look educated and informed without having to pick a side on any particular issue. As one of the most helpful and insightful texts of the ancient Greeks, that has informed generals and politicians for millennia, this cornerstone of stoic philosophy is perfect for the drunk business major trying to pass himself off as PolySci that lives in all of us.

The big point of this book is that we can’t control the shit around us, but we can control ourselves. Ignore TFM Bernie’s spectacular betting spreads and lose your dues money? You can’t control the outcome of a game, but you can control the way you react to the loss, and that’s what counts at the end of the day. So like, I don’t know, tie that in to some grand point about American exceptionalism and then go get another beer. 

3. Revival – Stephen King

Something something big tiddy goth GF meme. Stephen King is a spectacular author and this book is a great return to form for him. Borrowing from horror influences like Lovecraft and Poe, and channeling these into the modern era by fusing the narrative with a sentimental reflection on the evolution of Rock N’ Roll. The guy who directs/writes Hill House is turning it into a film so if you want to get ahead of the crowd, you’re in the right place. 

A die hard southern preacher who loves to play with weird electricity on the side loses his faith when his wife and child die in a car wreck. He spends the rest of his life experimenting with said weird electricity. The main character grew up watching said preacher preach and runs into him repeatedly as the years go on. Scary things ensue. 

4. Dune – Frank Herbert

This one is a blast from the past. Dune is a massive influence on everything from Game of Thrones to Star Wars and everything from the prose itself to the characters is top notch. The novel is an important work of ecological fiction and the plot is a giant battle for galactic domination that plays out through what mostly amounts to a cold war. Tons of espionage and intrigue. Still, the book is like a thousand pages long and there are eight more in the series. The big take aways:

A kid is born the chosen one but that doesn’t really matter right now. What REALLY matters is that he and his family are moving from a big water planet to a desert planet made entirely of space meth with giant sand worms. This trade deal was carefully calculated so a rival empire could steal the planet back and kill the chosen one during the invasion. Frat as fuck, I know. Giant space battle stuff ensues. 

5. The Force – Don Winslow. 

This book is spectacular. Probably one of the best cop novels to ever be written. It argues both sides of the police brutality debate with a humanity and depth that few books have ever broached in the modern age, while also being jam packed with drugs and hookers and shootouts. This book is fucking Shakespearian in the depth and reach of the plot, and the characters are memorable and well developed. 10/10 read so good you forget you’re actually reading. 

The talking points: none. Go fucking read this book. Pour yourself some Jameson, curl up in your comfy chair, and READ THIS FUCKING BOOK.