I have not learned a single goddamn thing since Rudy Golbert put his preposterously large, disgusting French hands all over that press conference microphone in early March. Quick side note before I start ranting: how in the FUCK does somebody have hands THIS BIG.

If Rudy Golbert’s ring finger was placed where my dick is, maybe- just maybe, l could make somebody’s daughter cum from time to time. Online school isn’t just a joke; it’s a crime. We got tens of thousands of people taking loans out so some sixty-three-year-old professor can workshop jokes to a bunch of black screens. My grandmother that sees me six times a year, didn’t work her ass off marry rich so I could take turns hearing a bunch of twenty-year-olds stutter their way through Powerpoints on topics I will never once think about again as my roommate takes his second geeb of the morning. 

Is anybody else not thinking about the potential dangers of this situation? We found Kim Kardashian’s whole sex-tape for free at the age of thirteen, and you think YOU can stop US from cheating? No chance. Blocking Chegg off of the school wifi is like the US government giving people $1200 so that they would calm down about how poorly they mismanaged the beginning of a global pandemic. Sure, you did something, but not really. 

What happens in seven years when a girl who’s currently in Nursing school has to pop into WebMD real quickly to identify a concerning rash on a baby forearm? What’s gonna go down when a Sig Nu that had a mild-to-problematic coke addiction through his zoom accounting class has to help a corporation cut its fat? Before COVID, it was normal to lie about being proficient in Microsoft Excel, but now we are talking about an entire generation of people pretending to understand what the fuck we are talking about. I’m literally doing it right now. I finessed a paid salary running the TFM Instagram simply by waterboarding my bosses with “circling back” and “analytical performance” to the point where they said to themselves, “I guess this kid knows what the fuck he’s talking about.”

If I’ve learned anything from COVID it’s that; apparently, it stops at 10 pm because that’s when that cocksucker Phil Murphy decided that New Jersey was going to close its bars and that being an adult is just a never-ending cycle of bullshit. I don’t want to come across as the annoying entrepreneur on your Instagram explore page, but in my opinion, a college degree has never been so worthless.  Are things going to change? FUCK NO. Parents are still going to want their kids to spend four(five if you’re a real one) years venmoing their friends with Adderall prescriptions into a degree. The cycle of thousands of young men and women walking through dormitory entrances to spend the next 1400 days of their lives experimenting with hard drugs and playing a chlamydia themed game of tag is going to continue on Zoom or not. 

But I get the feeling right now that we all need this Thanksgiving break more than previous years. I’ve seen the mental health of many of us decline, and blacking out in your high school friend’s basement is the only cure. Sure, you wake up for your zoom class, go back to sleep, play video-games, get drunk, and repeat, but it’s damn important to remember that you are the very same kid that woke up at 6:30 for high school and came back from practice after dark. We are all in the same boat here, and we are all going to trick somebody into paying us money when the time comes (some better than others). Eat Turkey, get tested before visiting Grandma, and fuck that one girl you dated for a little bit in high school. Happy Thanksgiving.

-Birdlaw