In October of this past Fall, my ex-girlfriend and I mutually decided it was best for her to break up with me. If you have read any of my last blogs, this shouldn’t be a surprise as I am undeniably a piece of shit. Being raised in the ignorant Irish family that somewhat claims me, therapy isn’t an option to fall back on during difficult times. So, I turned to the three constants that never fail to forcibly generate serotonin: blogs, booze, and busty MILF Step-Moms getting their guts ruptured on various kinds of IKEA furniture. It’s not like I never play five on one when I have a girlfriend, it’s just the post-breakup three-a-days are an exhaustive regime that I was thrown back into, but I persevered and got back into fourteen year old shape.

And lone behold,I was able to fall in love with Porn all over again. I had forgotten the wonders of boyhood, the rush of being on page forteen or the radical impatience when WiFi is spotty were distant memories until they weren’t. And in all honesty, Nicole Anniston, Brandi Love, and Dani Daniels were there for me when nobody else was in a time when I needed a shoulder(gaping asshole) to cry on. As I gained an appreciation for the website that gave me so much, naturally I wanted to support good ‘ol P-Hub and buy some merch. And that was when I laid my eyes on this little number

It was all I asked for, for Christmas this year…and Santa came.

For months, that beanie never left my head. I treated it like an infertile woman treats a miracle child. Gym? Beanie on. Class? I’m swaggin that beanie. Chapter? Let’s not be ridiculous I never went to Chapter. Up until a spring break trip to Miami, we were inseparable, and everybody absolutely loved it. I’d walk around campus and girls would say, “oh my god,” and I would respond, “I know right,” and then they would turn and walk away, presumably to text their friends about an awesome interaction with a guy sporting a PornHub beanie.

My friends were soo jealous.

Everytime I took a shower(four) this past semester, I thought they would literally take it from my room. But the best part?! The looks I would get in class. Everytime I walked into a lecture, every girl’s jaw would drop because they were stunned to see a kid who was pro-feminism enough to support sex workers. They LOVED it.

Unfortunately for me, and the whole Texas Christian University community, the fun had to stop because of a professor who voiced concern over my drip.

I regret backing down and not fighting for my freedom of speech. If students can express their opinions on things that aren’t that important, like their political beliefs, heritage, or favorite artists, but I can’t rep for my team?! BUUUULLSHIT.