This may not apply to all frats across the country, particularly the cunty southern state school frats who brag about how they rented an arena and booked fisher for their formal. Talking about how it was “actually a movie” even though you weren’t allowed to drink at the venue and your boi got kicked out the frat for doing a little blow on the bus to the event. Because fuck that. That’s not a frat, I don’t care about the enormous square footage of your house on Greek row if you need to swipe a key card several times just to pass out in your room then that’s not a frat. This blog goes out to the permanently sticky floored, several holes in the wall from the substance abusive Ukrainian international student and a permanent aroma of Natty Light houses.

First we have the standard EDM prep school kid who just missed out on a D2 lacrosse scholarship and decided his new purpose in life was to shuffle Tiesto songs off a Mac book pro after crying for 3 days when Avicii died. He will be reliably average, playing what the crowd expects to hear, rotating between the top 40 and EDM hits 2020 playlist. He won’t get many complaints but doesn’t bring enough energy to get people really moving. I’ll give a strong 4/10 for this kind of performance.

Next we have the light skin dude who quickly figured out that because of his race his predominantly white frat will awkwardly and enthusiastically “bop” to whatever rap song he plays because of how “hip” and “trendy” he must be. He will play the entirety of pop smokes posthumous album and “the box” by Roddy Rich at least 3 times. The crowd will be outwardly in love with the songs to show how current and knowledgeable they are whilst inwardly all they are thinking is “more hips, definitely more hips and less knees… how the fuck do I get my body to do that.” This DJ will however manage to get a select few people that can actually dance hype, and if that select number of people is enough to form a dance circle than everyone outside the circle who can’t dance can live vicariously through that energy and end up having a pretty solid time. I’ll rank this a light 6/10.

Then we have the fringe guy who almost didn’t get a bid for not bringing much to the table. He got one though because no one really had anything against him and maybe we’d see him come out of his shell later on. After joining the frat and struggling to talk to girls at parties he could not help but notice the aura around the light skin DJ. With the strobe lights behind him, the elevated stage of the DJ stand and three girls on either side of him he realized that this was it. He had finally found the “thing” to separate him from the crowd, however, no fucking clue how to do it. After spending what was left of his high school graduation money on a good set up and countless hours watching tutorials on YouTube he became actually a very solid DJ. However what motivated him to become a DJ in the first place became his Achilles heel: female attention. Every time a girl so much as brushed his shoulder when requesting a song he would disrupt his decent playlist to play it for her. He would go as far as to play 3 Kesha songs in a row for a kiss on the cheek. Would be a 9/10 but subtracting 2 for simping leaves him at a 7/10.

Finally we have the frat legend who graduated the year before you joined but you have heard nothing but wild stories about him from older brothers. After 5th yearing and graduating with a 2.4 GPA in Business, he didn’t have many other options than to continue what he was best at in college, partying hard and DJ’ing. He gets opening spots at some of the best clubs in town and despite maybe not having the best longevity career wise, you’d be lying to say you weren’t a little jealous to be doing that for your 20’s. He’ll pull up to a couple parties a semester, tell you about how much easier your pledging was then when he was in the frat, before DJ’ing for an hour and being a little too friendly to freshman girls to where you have to ask your boy how old he is again. Needless to say, he kills the set but doesn’t have the availability to be a fixture at parties… and it would be pretty sad if he did. A well earned 9/10.

At the end of the day every frat kid who takes a stab at Dj’ing no matter how good they are is never going to be great unless they’re getting paid. Throw some dude $100 who’s not going to get too fucked up and fall on the equipment or disappear half way through the night as soon as he finds a girl. It’s better for everyone that way.