In uncertain times, human beings have a natural inclination to wonder, how would I survive if everything comfortable and familiar suddenly collapsed around me? Well, fear not 18-24 year old alcoholic demographic, for I have seen through the looking glass. As a run of the mill fraternity man, banding together with the men that trust you the most is a natural solution to the impending shadow of doom hanging over a failing society. After running the data through countless simulations, consulting with all the best experts in the fields of math, science, and binge drinking, we at the TFM offices have predicted how the frat world will reshape in the event of an apocalypse. Without further ado, here is how your fraternity will do in the end times. 

Pi Kappa Alpha: The Wasteland Raiders

This one didn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out. Obviously no two chapters are alike, but after countless hours of crunching the numbers, the egg heads at the office calculated that an overwhelming 96.87% of Pikes will take to the deserts of Arizona and form roaming bands of raiders, engaging in wicked debauchery and unrepentant piracy until civilization eventually reforms. Finally, all those hours spent lifting and getting unnecessarily jacked will finally have a payoff, when even the weakest link in the roving Pike death squads can bench 250 and squat a small school bus. Due to the destruction of the rule of law, the first generation of Pike recruits after the apocalypse will unfortunately have their balls hazed off due to the fact that even the boomers at nationals will hop on their hoverounds and go on raid campaigns against enemy retirement homes.  

Territory: The deserts of southwest America

Preferred settlements: Abandoned gyms, the ruins of protein powder factories

Kappa Alpha: A Country Boy Can Survive 

Hank Jr said it best in his classic 1981 country hit. Polls show that upon the collapse of the federal government, Kappa Alphas from all over the continental United States will converge on small town Mississippi to form a new, uncomfortably problematic new government that we’re just gonna let you guess the theme of. These boys will dig into the hills, just like that one army did in Tennessee that Kappa Alpha nationals would really love if I didn’t keep mentioning in this article. In the middle of Kapsville they’ll build a big statue to someone that the rest of the fraternity world is still scratching their heads about how they get away with venerating, and they’ll get together for a quaint once a year dance with origins that nobody really remembers, now that the world is a different place. Absorbed into this faction are the SAE chapters and the ATO’s of the world. Y’all put up a good fight, but you just couldn’t out hillbilly the masters of redneck, and so you were either absorbed… or perished. 

Territory: Mississippi. Just Mississippi

Preferred settlements: Sprawling estates with questionable histories 

Theta Chi: Make Love, Not War

Oh the Theta Chi boys. From the way our data panned out, we’re gonna see the majority of Theta Chi’s retreat back into the wilderness to form happy go lucky communes that celebrate the joys of being different. From these communes will come the future generations of artists, musicians, and intellectuals that will do their absolute best to build a better civilization than the one that came before. They’ll devote themselves to being ethical, to sharing what they have and caring for the group as a collective, instead of furthering the selfishness that lead to the great collapse. This will continue until said roaming bands of Pikes catch wind of it and raid their community farms to steal the hemp harvest. Better luck next lifetime. 

Territory: The wilds of the pacific northwest

Preferred settlements: anywhere contrarian and hipsteresque 

Sig Ep:

Y’all fucked lmao

Beta Theta Pi: 

Y’all not making it out of the initial collapse let’s be real. You guys couldn’t even defeat your own nationals, how you gonna survive in the wasteland?