This one goes out to our military homies (especially the infantry, the frattest of the frat). We love our troops, and we love triple love the guys that can drink all night and then get through morning PT hammered as fuck. Those are the real Americans. Tonight, I’m here to talk about a place that is near and dear to my heart, Fort Bragg. Fort Bragg is the home of the 82nd Airborne (death from above!), an Army post where I lived as a kid, where my little brother CeCe McGee was born, and where the horniest PR guy in the entire United States Army works. Earlier today, a soldier with control over Fort Bragg’s twitter ALLEGEDLY used the account to make graphic sexual comments to a sex worker. Did I ever think I would grow up to write that sentence? Hell no. Am I super fucking glad I did? You bet your fucking ass I am. 

The tweet below is a clear demonstration of what the COVID quarantine drought is doing to our armed forces. These tweets are the kind of shit you see dudes say right before a well deserved “go to horny jail” bonk on an already weird twitter thread. The poor guy is engaged in a one sided sexting session on a post titled “your boner’s perspective.” How much lower can you get, emotionally, than that? If we really want to support our troops we need to help our horniest patriots get laid every once and a while so they don’t do dumb shit like this. 

There are many lessons to take away from this. If you have an important work/chapter/church account logged in on your phone, make sure you log out before you start publicly creeping on sex workers. Also, maybe just don’t say dumb shit publicly on twitter? Do you really think this girl gets off to weirdos on the internet having pretend sex with her? No, she gets off on weirdos like you paying to see her naked. Everything else is just a plus at that point. But hey, power to her, because clearly she’s good enough at her job for the Army to appreciate what she does for a living. Shit, her job is more valuable than something like, say, lawyering. Both professions involve fucking people for a living, but sex workers fuck people with honesty, and they make it enjoyable. Lawyers just bend you over and jackhammer your wallet. Plus, you still might go to jail after. 

The funniest thing about this situation is that Fort Bragg says the account was hacked. Yeah… sure bubba. You wanna tell me that a foreign government engaged in an elaborate act of espionage, broke into the social media account of a random Army post, and all they do is make weird comments? What a dastardly plan! If only we had seen it coming. 

If you’re gonna get caught, get good at lying, Fort Bragg. That’s what got me into college!