College football mascots are one of the most interesting parts of the sport. They hype up the student section and usually represent an aspect of the university in some way. But I think I speak for everyone when I say that I sometimes want to beat them up. I’m being serious; there’s nothing more frustrating than sitting in the stands during a 38-3 beatdown, dehydrated and sweaty, and seeing a fluffy idiot on the opposing team doing a cartwheel. They need to be humbled, and I’m here to do it.

I’m not a fighter; I’m a lover. I’ve never been in a serious fight, and I’d much rather settle a dispute with my words in most situations. Does that make me a weenie? Maybe. But I don’t see the point in getting my teeth knocked out at 21 over a disagreement with someone that I clearly don’t care for. That being said, these socially acceptable furries need to be dealt with, and if you caught me at the right time, I’m confident that I could inflict violence upon them. As a student of an SEC school, these are the teams we play, so they’re the ones I’d most likely have a chance to fight.

Let me lay out my measurements so you can visualize my combat: I’m 6’1″ (But 6’2″ in my New Balances, which I would be wearing), and about 145 pounds. I’ve never measured my wingspan, but I’m sure it’s somewhere around the national average.

Also, my boy @chemagarcia did this last week with ACC schools, so check that out if you haven’t already.

SECTION 1: I’m 100% Kicking Their Ass

Truman the Tiger (Missouri)

Easily the least intimidating mascot in the mighty SEC. His face is extremely dopey. He looks like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh with a $50 facejob. Nothing about him scares me. He’s completely naked with very droopy skin that could be used as a handle to grapple him. I’m very confident that I could send this goober to the hospital, any place, any time. Besides, I don’t think I could ever respect myself if I got beat up by someone named “Truman”.

Scratch (Kentucky)

I’m not worried about Scratch. He looks kind of skinny, almost malnourished. His eyes are very far apart, and I think this could impair his vision in a situation of combat. I think I could overwhelm him very easily. Like the rest of his school, he needs to stick to basketball.

SECTION 2: I’m Probably Kicking Their Ass

Cocky (South Carolina)

I’m not quite as confident about Cocky as our previous entries, but I think I could still annihilate him. I’m not one to fat shame, but he’s pretty big, and I’m not convinced that he has as much stamina as I do. Plus, he has a lot of grabable material around his face and neck. I think I’d give him a few easy shots early and wait to tire him out. His arrogance will get the best of him in the long run, and I’ll finish the job when it’s all said and done.

Albert (Florida)

I like Florida’s mascot a lot. Albert is unique and has a lot of personality, but I think I could give him hell. He’s really top-heavy, and I think I could very easily take him off balance with some shots to the head. His arms would be tired going into the brawl from doing the gator chomp all the time, so I also have that going for me. Plus, he’s married, and I think his simping to Alberta has made him a softer opponent.

Big Al (Alabama)

Big Al seems like a very beatable opponent. His trunk is very saggy, and what is he going to do if I pull on it? Be mad? He doesn’t want this smoke, even remotely. The only thing that scares me about Big Al is his experience around the nation’s most talented athletes in the last decade. Some of Saban’s winning mentality has to have rubbed off on him, and there’s no way he goes down easy. He’ll make me work for it, but he’s getting tossed.

SECTION 3: Fair Fight

Big Red (Arkansas)

Big Red looks pretty intimidating, and I think he could definitely hang around with me. His head is gigantic, but he looks to be in pretty good shape. Plus, Arkansas has sucked at football for quite some time now, so he will have some pent-up aggression going in. I think this is a toss-up, but if I caught him on an off-day, he could get smoked.

Bully (Mississippi State)

The name “Bully” is worrisome. He doesn’t look that frightening, so what on earth has he done to deserve the nickname “Bully”? I can’t say, but I can say that we’re pretty evenly matched. My first move would be to attack the torso. He looks like he only really works on his arms, and I think his core is a weak point. Then, I’d try to attack the jaw. I’m not sure how effective my gameplan would be in practice, which is why he’s in this tier.

Smokey (Tennessee)

Smokey doesn’t scare me, but I think I will underestimate him. Think of this as Michigan against Appalachian State in 2007. I think I would be confident to the point of it being a weakness. I’m not saying that I’d lose, but I’m on upset watch if I have to fight Smokey.

SECTION 4: Will Probably Kick My Ass

Mr. Commodore (Vanderbilt)

Listen, this isn’t the most intimidating mascot. But he’s a naval officer of high rank, and his military background is something to keep an eye on. Also, I’m assuming he’s a student at Vanderbilt, which means he’s pretty damn smart. He probably has spent a lot of time studying basic self-defense in preparation for a situation like this, and I think I could find myself out-coached.

Aubie the Tiger (Auburn)

Aubie is electric. He’s not the biggest, but he may be the most passionate mascot in the conference. He has heart, which is a truly underrated quality in fighting. This is like fighting Rocky, and Rocky always wins. Hopefully I could at least put up an Ivan Drago-worthy fight.

Hairy Dawg (Georgia)

I just don’t know where I’d start with this guy. His jaw is unhittable. I could swing at that thing all day and it wouldn’t bother him. Plus, he’s wearing shoulder pads, which means that he’s protected from most of my body shots. If I have a chance in this fight, it’s going to have to be on the ground. If I find a way to tackle him, his collar is going to get in the way of any submission technique. I’m not sure if he could beat me up, but I’m fairly certain I couldn’t beat him up.

SECTION 5: They’re 100% Kicking My Ass

Tony the Landshark (Ole Miss)

Ole Miss recently decided to change their mascot from the politically incorrect Colonel Reb to Tony the Landshark. I would feel pretty confident against a racist bear, but this new beast completely changes the conversation. He’s jacked, and I’m not even sure that his arms are fake. He probably fights people bigger than me everyday just to maintain his gains, and I’m just praying that stadium security would tackle me before I got to him.

Mike the Tiger (LSU)

There’s no debate, Mike is taking me behind the shed. Not only is he big, but his face has a ton of cushion, which means that my haymakers won’t really bother him. I’d rather fight an actual tiger than this unit. Just look at his eyes; he has clearly taken something that I can’t compete with. Expect blood.