Last night I was scrolling Twitter and one of my favorite people in the history of the internet and the world really, Nick Colletti, tweeted out something that confused me, but also intrigued me.

I had to know what the fuck he was talking about, so I searched for answers in the replies to the tweets. This is where I stumbled upon Danny Cocaine, a rapper in the UK known for a song from 2016 called “S#CK YOUR MUM” and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.

If you were able to get through a minute of that song, congratulations, you are a goddamn internet warrior and should probably be awarded some type of medal from the government. I implore you to finish the song though because it is the most fantastically and hilariously awful song I’ve ever heard. Fucking Ice JJFish meets Peaky Blinders…or maybe Love Island if they only cast ugly British scumbags. Just unbelievable stuff. British rap is already hilarious as it is. Me and my friends will drunkenly blast the song KMT by Drake(who is fucking washed by the way but we’ll save that for another blog) featuring Giggs so we can scream “BRINGIN THAT DIRTY DIRTY” and “BATMAN DUNUHUNUHNUH” at one other during the Giggs part. Just something about British people rapping is fucking hilarious and that’s undeniable. But Danny Cocaine brings it to another level with his combination of ridiculous British lingo, a hilarious accent, and a high pitched voice that cracks like a 13 year old boy answering a question in english class while also resembling the last bit of air that comes out of a mostly empty whoopie cushion. Just sonically offensive to the human ear. Listening to this song reminds me of what it might feel like if  you were to get fucked in the ear by Harry Potter’s fat fuckin cousin Dudley, that jelly bellied Muggle Fuck.

There’s a lot of things to unpack here, let’s start with the music video. Mr. Cocaine appears with two black gentlemen in a park of some kind while being circled by several kids who look like they are in middle school riding bikes. Most rappers like to have scantily clad busty women in their videos, but not our guy Danny. Danny Cocaine would rather have a bunch of 7th graders who maybe think he is cool pop some wheelies on their duffy bikes around him before he sells them K2 and sends them on their merry way. The rest of the video is pretty generic. Now let’s get to the lyrics. I’ve highlighted a few of these fucking BARS that stuck out to me. 

Man chat shit tell a man go suck his mum!

This bar is what originally intrigued me when I saw Nick Colletti, tweet it, and it doesn’t make much sense to me. Does he want the shit chatter to suck their moms tits? Is this a way to call someone a baby in British? I’m just gonna urban dictionary this shit to find some answers.

Hopefully this last one explains why Danny Cocaine seems to love hanging out with 12 year olds in his music video, but “Suck your mum” seems to roughly translate to “go fuck yourself” in American.

Man chat shit… I put a stick up his bum!

This line is actually not referring to season two of the Netflix hit show 13 Reasons Why(deep cut) and actually seems to be Danny Cocaine threatening to stick the barrel of a gun up his haters asshole. I’m not a doctor but I’m gonna say that’s not very good for your prostate health.

If Man a Chicken they get friiiiiiiieeed

I’m assuming this is the line where everyone stopped the video because the pitch of his voice feels like someone is giving an Indian(Native American?) Rope Burn to your brain. Just unequivocally awful. 

Danny’s on the track ya when I fuck my girl in her bum she bleeds everywhere

Ok, that’s enough. I’m sorry everyone. This is just gross. I wanted to make jokes about this line but as a fan of Abella Danger and someone who struggles to find sources of fiber in their diet, this one hits too close to home.

I haven’t been able to find much out about Danny Cocaine, he has a private Instagram account that has not accepted my follow request yet. His instagram bio says he is a comedian, but he has a link to a rather serious song about his love for HIS mum and his drug addiction which leads me to believe this may not actually be a troll. There are several youtube videos of him freestyling for people on the street, including one entitled “Danny Cocaine on Crack Spitting Bars”. I’m not sure if this guy is actually a comedian or just a random shitty rapper, but lots of these youtube comments suggest he’s more than your average rapper trying to make it big. These comments are also just funny if you enjoy laughing at the gibberish that is British Slang.

Danny Cocaine is for the Children! What a stand up guy!

I’ve never heard of this drug but based on Jake Wolstencroft’s comment (top tier British last name btw), seems like he’s charging competitive and fair prices when he sells drugs.

I don’t know what the fuck any of this means but top cat sounds like a compliment so another point for Danny Cocaine.

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I don’t think they have Sesame Street in England so I’m gonna give Danny a pass on this one, counting can be tricky.

I’m hoping that these allegations are false, mostly because why the fuck would you rob a homeless person? There are plenty of people with actual possessions to rob and they will most likely cost more than whatever the guy who literally can’t even put a roof over his head. Maybe a guy named Danny Cocaine isn’t the criminal mastermind I thought he was.

That’s about all the information I could find on Danny Cocaine but god dammit I am so in on this guy. Whether or not this guy is for real or just trolling he made me cry laughing. Hoping that he accepts my follow request soon and I can interview him for a follow up blog.If you have any questions for Danny Cocaine let me know. And if you wanna talk shit and say I wasted almost an entire day writing over 1000 words on a random irrelevant British dude then you can go Suck your Mum.