There is absolutely nothing better than waking up in what I like to call, “bonus land.” Bonus Land is the period of time you wake up from a night of drinking and you would still blow a .06, but your a functioning adult. I wish I could live my life in bonus land because the reason it’s such a beautiful concept is that if you’re on a bender you have about an hour and a half to decide whether or not you’re going to keep drinking or eat a brutal hangover. Many call it “hair of the dog” which I guess is cool, but I like to think it’s waking up with the gift of being where you were after four beers the afternoon before. Nevertheless, I crushed some shower beers, shaved, and we hit the road. 

We stopped in the middle of buttfuck Oklahoma to eat some burritos and drink some margaritas and it was soooo fucking gas. There’s something so special about being inappropriately drunk in a sober world at noon, and while we were fully confident that the other guests in this family owned establishment loved us, they most definitely did not. We got into Norman at around 1:30 with no fucking plan of anything other than our friend Ryan was staying with his boys from high school and had gotten there days ago. I would be remiss if I didn’t show some love to OU Kappa Sig because those motherfuckers let us into their house (which is so nice I still have wet dreams about it), gave us a bunch of free booze and food, and completely supported our antics. You could tell this was the clean cut fraternity on campus. The place where all the pretty girls were taking pictures with the fratpup and old alums went to shake hands with future interns. And while that’s all gravy, we were clearly pretty out of place.

We wanted to stop by the Sigma Chi house just to see what it was like there, and it was clearly more our scene. Kids were just ripping dabs in broad daylight and pledges were nearing the end of setting up for their tailgate. Whereas when I told a kid from Kappa Sig I missed the toilet seat on purpose just like TCU was gonna piss on their college playoff chances and he laughed, these kids were…well…normal. Eventually after getting to know them they were okay with us staying for their tailgate, and I got a taste of how inbred Oklahoma really was. I was talking with this girl who introduced me to her mom after maybe three minutes, the Mom proceeded to tell me that her husband was in Sigma Chi in their college days and that she hadn’t missed a tailgate in THIRTY FUCKING YEARS. Then beside her was the girl’s brother, I dapped him up and jokingly said to the Mom that maybe I’d sneak her twelve year old son a beer, you know, typical cheesy white people humor shit. The mom said, “oh don’t worry he’s already had three” and then proceeded to give the kid another one. What theeeee fuck bro.

At kickoff we Ubered to their bar strip, where we saw a pledge from our chapter and waited in line for a fucking hour to get into their “best bar.” I swear to god, this kid (sup Weston you pussy bitch😩❤️) chickened out when we were finally at the front of the line and ran faster than Devin Hester returning a punt return in his prime. He wasn’t wrong though, we all got rejected because Norman bars fucking suck and in Fort Worth all you need is a piece of paper machete that says “21.” 

The game was getting really close, and we went back to the Kappa Sig house where I was hit with the pain I knew too well. Fucking A diarrhea. I sprinted to the bathroom and as soon as my ass starting spraying down like a white kid with mental health issues, three girls also entered the bathroom. “Oh my god it smells so bad here”. FUUUUUUCK MEEEEE. As agile as I could I put a cap on my asshole and lifted my legs so they didn’t think anyone was in there. And for fifteen minutes while they peed and talked about how good Justin looked that day, I waited while my insides were screaming for help. 

After that experience, it was time to return to Sigma Chi where we watched TCU lose yet another close game. They started doing fight night, and about a hundred guys and girls gathered around a circle and watched drunk people beat the piss out of each other. Eventually one of the guys pulled us aside and said, “yo you guys are planning on sleeping here right?” “Well yeah, we only got one car and the driver is passed out after getting way too high.” They then told us that in order to sleep there one of us had to fight for the final, prime-time fight. TCU vs OU. I immediately looked at the most athletic kid we had and he said he’d do it. 

When the time came to fight, he pussied out. Pressure was mounting and they made the announcement that the fight was starting. I came to the realization that I couldn’t possibly after treated my body any worse this weekend…so why the fuck not. The fight went seven rounds, he had a clear height advantage but my trainer (Tommy off a bean) started giving me all kinds of different strategies. We went seven rounds, I landed more punches, he landed harder ones. And just when I was going to forfeit at the end of round seven, I saw a look in his eyes that told me he didn’t wanna fu

cking do this anymore either and it was getting weird. We tapped the gloves and called it a tie, then had a beer or three before going to bed.