University of Colorado Boulder, home of hot rich white people that are passionate about getting high and partying. However, anyone who has actually been to the city of Boulder knows what all the hype is about. Believe it or not, Boulder has actually been ranked the #1 college town in the United States. The red stacked brick buildings against the beautiful flatirons makes it look like it’s straight off a damn postcard. Bitches from Orange County, California especially love Boulderland. You can find most of them in Alpha Phi or Pi Phi, you don’t even need to look that hard. 

Freshmen are required to live on campus. The dorms on main aren’t really that bad honestly. Especially if you’re in the ones around Farrand field or Sewall (and that’s sool not see-wall). If you’re in WillVill, well, good luck. Even though you have the best dining hall out there, your life will be dictated by a bus schedule and your parents will hate you for how much money you’re about to put on their credit card for ubers. Your best bet is to call someone in charge of housing to immediately get you out of this situation. After freshman year, living on the hill is a must. Careful though, rent is about 1k minimum for a piece of shit house or tiny apartment. So, you might wanna like let your parents know.

There are literally so many dining halls and food places on campus, they’re practically forcing the freshman 15 down your throat. If you’re living on main, you’ll be eating at the C4C everyday. Lucky for you, there’s about every type of food station you can think of in there so you won’t ever get bored. Warning: pretty sure there are laxatives in the meat so, proceed with caution. On weekends, bitches love going to The Buff or Snooze for a late brunch. Bova’s is a quintessential spot on the hill, especially if you’re under 21 with a nicotine addiction. I mean, their sandwiches are pretty good too. Saving the best for last, Cosmos. With pizza slices bigger than your head and their signature spicy ranch, this is the perfect place for a drunken bite to eat before heading back to your dorm.

If you’re looking to meet a lot of people super fast and party harder than anyone else on campus, joining greek life is probably your best move. If you’re a girl and sororities aren’t really your thing, you’ll still be able to party so don’t worry. Or, you could just join Theta. However, if you’re of the male species, forget it. Don’t even try to get into a frat party if you’re not a brother or trying to rush. They’ll kick you off their property faster than you can say natty light. If you’re blonde, rich, and skinny A Phi or Pi Phi is probably #home for you. DG and Chi O aren’t embarrassing to be in either though. If you like being crammed into basements and moshing to EDM songs with a bunch of other sweaty people, frat parties are the place for you! If not, there are always plenty of semi-exclusive annex parties going on. Or, even just ya know house parties. 

Don’t let the fact that CU is the worst team in PAC-12 get you down, bitches take tailgates more seriously than most of their classes and it’s great because football has literally nothing to do with it. Who doesn’t love an excuse to get drunk at 10 am? Half the time, you won’t even make it to the game. If you’re the lucky other half that do make it, you’ll be gone by half time for your drunken nap. Don’t forget, you gotta start drinking again by 10pm to make the party at 11. Let’s not forget about the annual Blackout game, where kickoff is after dark. I don’t think I need to explain what happens next.

When the weather is warm, grab a group of your #besties and head to Chautauqua for a hungover hike up the flatirons. If you even think about skipping it, just remember how worth it it’ll be cause you’ll look outdoorsy and cool on your instagram. If it’s winter, obviously head up to ElDora to shred the nar on your new skis daddy just bought you. If you get the Epic pass over the Icon, you either came from out of state or you just like going to the boujee mountains. Of course, if you’re more of a city person, Denver is just a short 30 ish minute drive. I’ve heard there are some decent clubs if you can get in, other than that I’m not too sure what you’d do. If you actually want it to be a productive weekend, which it never will be, but you can head on over to Norlin where you’ll socialize loudly and stalk the cute barista from Laughing Goat.

Before you graduate, definitely make sure to hit up a red rocks concert (don’t forget your molly), rent a sick ass house in the mountains for X-Games, go to beachapalooza (once…), sign your name at The Sink, float down Boulder Creek, go to court for your MIP, and maybe sue your landlord. All kidding aside, Boulder is dope. Sko Buffs.